


First Time In Forever

by cuddlydreamsonrainydays



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, M/M, Mild Anorexia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, mild depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-12 19:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4492098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuddlydreamsonrainydays/pseuds/cuddlydreamsonrainydays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe people like him are just meant to be sorted out.</p><p>But maybe they are also not. Maybe there is an angel waiting right behind the corner when you are just about to finally give up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Safety

**Author's Note:**

> Hi my lovelies!  
> This is a little chaptered work that I hope you will enjoy! Please don't read if you are easily triggered. Of course I don't own One Direction and this work probably doesn't show what they are really like.

He feels small, intimidated, scared. 

There are too many people, there’s so much noise. He sits frozen, but he wishes he could put his hands over his ears. He feels like he’s drowning in the sweaty mass. He needs to get out, feels repelled by the world and the loud, obnoxious people, but he isn’t able to move. Niall always knew there was something wrong with him, that he was abnormal. It always scared him. He never talked a lot, never wanted to get noticed, but he also couldn’t disappear. He feels too big, like a tree in the desert, visible for miles. 

He always hears those noises. In his head, they turn into laughter, into whispers and finally into shouts. His mind twists situations around until he can’t tell anymore what’s real and what’s his imagination. The people around him are big, and sweaty, and smelly, and their presence is overwhelming. He can’t feel his body anymore and doesn’t know what’s left of him. He feels – or does he even feel anymore? 

It’s never been this bad before. 

He wishes he could be even smaller, wishes to disappear. He already feels numb, but he needs to numb the pain completely. He wants his pills, but they took them away when he said the nightmares stopped. He still has them every night, and he feels like a shadow of himself. When he feels. He needs his sanctity, but deep inside, he knows it’s long gone. The air around him feels thick, he feels trapped in a big, sticky mess. He needs to get out, or his heart might stop beating. 

The bus stops. The doors spring open, and a sudden jolt of icy air hits his face and wakes up a little part of him. It’s enough. He somehow manages to stumble out of the doors, a second before they close. Outside, he falls down on the hard, concrete pavement. 

It’s cold. The feelings slowly come back, he starts breathing again, though still not quite evenly. Rain hits every part of his body. He’s cold, but for now, it doesn’t matter, because he feels. It’s eight in the evening and he’s on his hands and knees on a sidewalk next to some lonely street. He’s all alone and the only noise apart from his coughs and sharp intakes of breath is the rain. Oxygen hits his lungs, makes its way into his brain, wakes him up. The small, fragile boy shivers from the piercing cold. It’s January, and he’s outside in only his thin clothes without a roof above the head. He starts shivering harder, the cold mocking him, his shitty life. He deserves it though, he thinks. His decisions are always the worst. 

He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, where he’s supposed to go. He crawls forward and crouches down on the edge of the sidewalk. His sobs are quiet, but to him, they’re so loud it hurts. His hair and his clothes are soaked and cling to his skin. He’s going to die. At least he’s by himself and not surrounded by a crowd of people. People like to watch others suffer, they get excited by pain and it wakes up their little, dull brains when they’ve got something to gossip about.  
He’s lived in between all those people for nineteen years now, but he still feels like an intruder. Maybe people like him are just meant to be sorted out. And that is his last thought before he finally passes out. 

He doesn’t see the young man running towards him, and he doesn’t feel the almost aggressive shaking of his body. He doesn’t hear the worried shouts. The man, clothed in jeans and a warm jacket, curses. The small, passed out figure in front of him still doesn’t wake up, so he doesn’t allow himself to overthink what he’s doing and lifts the boy up. He carries him bridal style through the rain and the small boy with the dark blonde hair is so light and he feels so cold and he’s so worried. He places him on the passenger’s seat of his warm car, gets in and continues to shake the boy until he coughs and slowly opens one eye. 

„Oh my god,” the man says, the relief obvious in his voice and expression. „You’re not dead. My name is Liam, and who are you?“ „Niall,” he croaks out, his voice fading away in the end. Everything hurts, and he’s still so, so cold. And he’s in a stranger’s car. Suddenly very scared, he looks at his saviour. He’s overwhelmed by the kindness and the warmth in Liam’s brown eyes, but all of that might be fake. Niall doesn’t want to go back, he’d rather die. Liam seems to sense what’s up with him. „There’s no need to be scared, I won’t harm you, I promise,“ he says softly, as if he was talking to a small child, though he’s only about 21 and Niall is already 19. He looks a lot younger, probably. 

Something in Liam’s voice makes Niall want to believe him. And really, he has nothing to lose. He would’ve died in the cold outside there, and if Liam turns out to be a serial killer, it‘s not like Niall still cares about living. He relaxes visibly in his seat. „My flat is only a few minutes from here, we’ll get you some dry clothes and something hot to drink and then you can tell me what you were doing out there! Afterwards, we can think about what we do next, is that okay?“ Liam’s voice is still soft and he’s giving Niall that look while he starts the car again. 

It’s almost like he genuinely cares. 

Niall can only nod, unable to use his voice properly, still shivering lightly. He needs to think, needs to think about what to tell Liam, but he’s still tense and cold and even though they drive in silence, he’s not able to focus. He’ll never be good enough for anything or anyone. The drive really is short, and Niall’s glad. 

Liam hurries to get into the flat when he’s parked the car and gotten out. The flat is rather small, but it looks comfortable. Liam leads the way to the bathroom. „You can shower if you want to, towel’s in the cupboard under the skin. I’ll look for some clothes that could fit you.“ And he’s gone before Niall’s had a chance to thank him. 

Carefully, Niall strips out of his wet clothes and leaves them in a pile on the floor. He doesn’t look at himself – his skin is pale, scarred, his face is sunken. He doesn’t want to see the human being he’s become. The shower is warm and makes him feel clean and honestly, being here is best feeling he’s had in a while. He can’t allow himself to enjoy this too much though, it’ll be over any moment. 

He contemplates whether he should use Liam’s shampoo and shower gel, but then he decides that it’s going to be okay if he only uses a little bit of each. When he’s showered, he wraps himself in a big, soft towel. To his surprise, the wet clothes are gone and in their place is now a pile of of dry clothes. Boxers, socks, sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, everything looking comfortable. They’re a bit too big on him, but it’s okay because their smell is comforting and they’re warm. 

He slowly leaves the bathroom and walks through the hall, slowly and carefully watching each and every step. He’s unsure where to go, but then Liam calls his name and sticks his head out of a door. „Come here,“ he say and opens the door further with a friendly smile. Niall smiles gratefully, even though only a bit, and enters the room. 

It turns out to be a kitchen, small but light and cozy. Liam hands him a cup of hot chocolate. „Thank you,“ Niall murmurs. „For everything.“ Liam just smiles wider. „I like to help people,“ he states simply. „And you seem like you deserve it. Are you, like, hungry?“ Niall wants to decline the offer politely, doesn’t want to be a bother, doesn’t want to eat Liam’s food when he knows he’s not able to pay him back, but his stomach betrays him. It growls loudly at the smell of the hot chocolate and Niall looks down to his feet, blushing. He hasn’t eaten anything in two days and he hasn’t eaten properly for months now. Still he feels needy and silly, like a small child. 

„What about you go to the living room, I’ll quickly fix something for dinner and then we talk. It’s just across the hall.“ The last sentence is added as an afterthought and it leaves Niall no choice. He holds onto his mug tightly and walk over into the living room, sitting down on the comfy, old couch. 

He takes a sip while he looks around, and honestly, it’s the best hot chocolate he’s ever tasted. Liam’s living room is simple, with a couch, a carpet, a small table, some shelves and a TV. There are pictures on the smaller shelves and books on the bigger ones. The colours don’t quite match, but they make everything look comfortable. Niall waits, drinks his hot chocolate and thinks. 

What is he supposed to do now? 

What can he tell Liam? 

When will Liam freak out? 

He tries to take deep breaths and forces himself not to panic. It will work out somehow, and if it doesn’t, that’s just what he deserves, isn’t it? Already now, he doesn’t want what he deserves anymore. 

Liam sticks his head through the door five minutes later and pulls an apologizing face. „I don’t really have anything eatable at home, I’m afraid,“ he explains. „I meant to go food shopping tomorrow, so would you mind if we just order some pizza?“ As if Niall could actually mind, he scratches the back of his head. He would eat any food right now, apart from the fact that he used to love pizza. „I like pizza,“ he says quietly, and quickly adds: „And I wouldn’t mind anything, I shouldn’t even accept anything from you.“ 

The words come out a bit too rushed and almost jumbled, but it’s the longest sentence he’s said in a while and he’s amazed at how easily Liam makes him open up. The older one seems relieved. „Great. Here’s the menu, feel free to order what you want, I’ll call the hotline.“ Niall tries to be quick and chooses a pizza with four kinds of cheese because he loves cheese, well, he used to, he hasn’t had it in ages and it’s also one of the cheapest ones. Liam decides on some weird pizza with meat, something spicy and salad on top and calls the pizza service to order. After he’s hung up, he turns to Niall. 

„So,“ he says. Niall doesn’t answer, because what kind of question is that and what does Liam even want to know? „I’ve figured out by now that you don’t really like talking that much and that’s totally okay with me. I need to know some things about you though, so, if it makes it easier for you, we can start with me. I’ll tell you a few things and then it’s your turn, yeah?“ 

For a moment, Niall’s unable to do anything but stare. Then, he nods almost frantically. Liam has known him for an hour at most, but he already seems to understand the weird processes of Niall’s brain. And he’s so kind. 

„Okay, so, my name is Liam James Payne and I’m 21 years old. My birthday is the 29th of august. I own a café that I’ve inherited from my grandma and I study psychology. I also take some business classes for the café, and I take all of my classes online because I really love that place but I also want to go to uni. I’ve got two older sisters. My best mate Louis works at my café, and his boyfriend Harry helps us out and we hang out together quite often because to be honest, I’m rather a third wheel than all alone. I live here. Alone, obviously. I’d like to have a dog but that’s unrealistic because I spend way too much time at the café. I like comics, and I like music. Oh, and my biggest weakness ist chocolate, and those cookies that Harry makes – chocolate chip, naturally. And to compensate that, I try to hit the gym as regularly as possible.“ 

He looks at Niall expectantly. The blonde takes his time. That was a lot of information to process, and personal stuff too. He doesn’t want to make it seems as if that means nothing to him. Silently, he wonders why someone as nice as Liam has only two friends, but he doesn’t say that out loud. Instead, he starts with his name. 

„My name’s Niall and James Horan.“ They both grin at the matching middle name, Liam widely and Niall shyly. 

„I’m 19 and my birthday is the 13th of september.“ He stops hesitantly. He doesn’t own anything but a few clothes, he doesn’t really live anywhere and he doesn’t study anything. He doesn’t even have any friends. Liam seems quite surprised that Niall’s already 19, but he doesn’t say anything yet. Meanwhile, Niall’s head begins to spin and he feels the oh-so-familiar panic arise in his chest, making it harder to breath. 

„I-i,“ he stutters, but he still has no clue what to say. Liam smiles sympathetically. Does he ever not smile? „It can’t be that bad,“ he urges friendly. „Look at me, I’ve got only two friends and they’re a couple!“ 

„I’ve got none,“ Niall blurts out and wants to bite his tongue of as soon as the words have left his mouth. Before Liam hast he chance to say anything, the doorbell rings loudly through the heavy silence. 

Niall flinches. He’s not too good with loud, unexpected noises. They remind him of things he’d rather forget. But he tried a lot of stupid things to do so, and nothing made him forget. Liam looks distressed, but he stands up and flashes Niall one last apologetic glance before he leaves the room to pick up their food. Niall shivers alone on the couch even though he’s fairly warm. 

Liam is back a minute later with two pizza cartons. Their smell makes Niall’s stomach growl loudly once again. „I’m sorry,“ he says, sitting back down and handing Niall his pizza. Niall just shrugs. „I don’t want to scare you of,“ he admits quietly. „Oh, Niall, it’s not like you’ve killed ten people and plan on murdering me next!“ 

Nialls breath hitches and he’s very aware of Liam watching him closely. He doesn’t seem scared though, just curious, and that’s pretty reasonable because Niall is skinny and weak and has like zero muscle and he obviously doesn’t carry a weapon. Liam has a lot muscle and could overpower him in seconds. 

Niall is useless. 

He reminds himself once again that he doesn’t really have anything to lose, because his life isn’t worth anything anymore. 

„Yesterday, I’ve escaped from the mental hospital. My parents and my older brother are dead.“ He doesn’t say the „because of me“, but it’s always there, in his head. „I had, or rather have, post-traumatic stress disorder with symptoms of mild depression and anorexia and severe anxiety.“ 

Liam stops dead in the middle of lifting a piece of pizza up to his mouth. Niall hasn’t even touched his, but that’s okay, he’s survived without food for so long, he’ll manage somehow. He’s prepared for everything. Liam will surely throw him out, if he’s really lucky he’ll be allowed to keep the clothes because it really is prety damn cold outside. He’s probably not, he’s already had far more luck than usually today and also yesterday. 

His breathing speeds up. He can’t wait any longer. He sets the pizza carton down on the table and stands up, even when his head spins. 

Suddenly, there’s a hand wrapped firmly around his tiny wrist. Niall jolts away and Liam lets him go immediately. Niall’s wrist burns white-hot where Liam’s touched him. „Sorry, sorry, sorry!“ Liam apologizes over and over and Niall just doesn’t know what’s up anymore. 

Shouldn’t Liam be throwing Niall out and yelling at him instead of apologizing? 

Shouldn’t Niall be the one to apologize? 

„Please, Niall, sit down again! I. Don’t. Hate. You. Now. Do you understand me? I don’t hate you and a mental disease is just that, a disease and not your fault! Please, Niall, we can talk about this, don’t leave now you’ll die outside there!“ 

This time, he doesn’t touch Niall, but his panic seems real and it looks like he genuinely means what he is saying. Carefully, Niall sits down again, still tense, still waiting for Liam to laugh and yell and tell him that all of this was a joke. 

„Thank you,“ Liam breathes. „And thank you for sharing that with me, I know it’s very personal.“ Niall stays quiet. His heart is still beating at an unnormally fast rate, but the racing thoughts that feel like needles inside his head have stopped. 

„Do you want to talk about it?“ Liam’s question is a bit hesitant. 

„Not really,“ Niall says very, very quietly. „It was my fault they burned, you know? My fault.“ He speaks up to break the silence, despite his former words. Liam somehow makes him trust the older one already, and that scares him as much as it draws him to Liam. „I bet it wasn’t.“ Liam’s answer is short, but his look is stern. 

„They were after me,“ Niall whispers. He can’t bring himself to say those words louder, those words that he’s never shared with anyone before, not during one of his innumerable therapy sessions. 

„I was 16 and in High School, and they were my bullies and they came to search for me at night, in my house, but I wasn’t there, I’d hidden because they’d hinted things all week long, so I’d hidden about two miles from my house in a tree, it was summer and warm so it wasn’t bad and my parents always preferred Greg anyway. But I wasn’t there when the bullies came, and they were drunk, and angry, and they left there it cigarettes everywhere and it was so warm and so dry and the house burned and my parents and my brother died and it was all my fault. They never caught the bullies. I never told anyone, but I know how it happened because they l-left me a l-letter… I was the main suspect and I’ve never really said anything, I just couldn’t, and they l-locked me away in that hospital and I know I deserve it because it was my fault and I’m abnormal but… I still always tried to run away when I could bring myself to care just a little bit about what happened to me and yesterday was my first successful attempt and I’ve come so far, but in the end, it’s hopeless anyway.“ 

He breathes heavily and tries his hardest not to dry while his throat is tightening and something is strangling him from the inside. He’s kind of murdered three people, his own and only family, and just admitted that to someone who’s basically a stranger. The air feels too thick around him and he wishes once again that the earth would just open up and swallow him. 

It’s silent for a few moments. This time Liam is the one with lots of information to process. Then, he sighs. „Oh, Niall. What happened was definitely not your fault, not at all. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Let’s let it rest for today, yeah? We can watch a fun movie to distract you? I’ll warm up the pizza again and then we’ll sleep and talk again when I get back from work tomorrow.“ 

Niall sits up as abruptly as possible while he still feels like he’s close to fainting, not sure if he understood Liam properly. „You’re not going to throw me out? Or force me to go back?“ „I’m not,“ Liam answers sincerely. „Promise. We’ll have to talk about that someday, there’s no way around it and we need to stay realistic, but not today. You’re legally an adult, and nobody has the right to force you to do anything. I just want to help you. And now, give me that cold pizza, feel free to choose any movie on that shelf over there and try to stop worrying for a while, as hard as it might sound.“ 

His smile his warm. His voice and his gestures are friendly and caring. It’s kind of impossible, but Niall almost feels safe, almost feels normal, in the hands of somehow who was a stranger two hours ago. 

The feeling is not stable, it’s thin and breakable and fragile like glass, but a hint of it has occupied Niall’s lost, black-burned heart. 

For the first time in forever.


	2. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii:)  
> Thank you for giving kudos and commenting and also just bothering to read this, it means a lot to me. I hope you like this chapter!

Two weeks have passed and on the surface, nothing has really changed. They haven’t really gotten around that talking thing, not touching any deep subjects in their conversation, because of course they talk. Niall lives in Liam’s flat, for god’s sake. They just don’t talk about the complicated things. 

They’ve developed some kind of routine. Liam leaves for work while Niall is still sleeping, and when he wakes up, he always finds something useful to do like cleaning or sometime cooking dinner or rearranging Liam’s bookshelves. He never leaves the flat, any he hasn’t seen any human being besides Liam in two weeks. 

It doesn’t bother him at all, and that worries him. 

Because one big secret that he’s hidden, that he’s left out of his confession, is why he was bullied so severely and why he couldn’t tell his conservative parents about it. 

Niall is gay. Totally and absolutely gay. It’s not like he’s really got a problem with that, except for he wishes he weren’t. He’s also not ashamed of being gay, but he knows very well that some people do have a problem with it. He’s drank too much toilet water in middle school to be confident and open about his sexuality now.   
He doesn’t actually think that Liam would have a problem with him being gay, his best and only friends are a gay couple, but he’s got a silly, damn, stupid crush and it’s easier to hide if Liam doesn’t even suspect anything. He’s fairly positive that Liam is straight and that Niall having a crush on him would make him very, very uncomfortable. Plus, Liam surely can’t have enough money for two in the long run, he might want to bring friends (or a girlfriend) home someday and Niall is currently incapable of doing anything. 

He can’t face his past, it’s taunting him, and they’re surely searching for him. He’s sure to get arrested as soon as he’s seen by the police. He doesn’t want to bother Liam anymore, doesn’t want to make his life this difficult, but he’s already become so attached. The thought of leaving physically pains him. 

Right now, Liam is at work, so Niall is alone with his thoughts and demons and feelings, but he should be home in about half an hour because it’s Thursday and on Thursday, Louis and Harry always work the late shift together and Liam’s home a little earlier than usually. 

Niall can’t find anything to do anymore. There isn’t as much as a square centimetre left dirty in the entire flat, the food (it’s a chicken vegetable rice spicy stuff that he knows Liam will like after having spent an entire day around the sweet treats and the coffee in his café) is prepared and only waiting to be finished when Liam is back. 

He’s tense and nervous and he feels more and more like an unwanted intruder. The negative thoughts in his head are getting worse again too, and the nightmares follow. He’s getting more and more tired, but he’s also good at concealing his feelings. He’s learned not to make any sounds when a nightmare wakes him up, so he just sits bold upright, staring into the pitch black of the night and trying to control his frantic breathing while he wants to gasp for air and scream in terror at the top of his lungs and please just die. 

Niall paces the living room, back and forth, back and forth, mirroring his thoughts. 

Get out. 

Stay. 

He doesn’t want you to bother him anymore. 

He cares. 

You’re pathetic. 

Yes, he thinks. Yes, he is pathetic. Who would live off of the hard work and inheritance of someone else? 

When the doorbell rings, Niall jumps, startled. He rushes to press the button for the automatic door opener and then rushes into the kitchen and busies himself with the pot and the pan that are waiting there. The table is already set. Niall’s stomach grumbles. 

He’s not eaten anything today and what he’s cooking on the stove is enough for Liam and a very, very small serving for himself. He’s done it like that for the past ten days. Liam leaves him money to order food and theoretically shop for groceries, but he never does (even though he pretends to). He’s used to not eating. He knows that he shouldn’t fall back into this self-destructive, anorexic behaviour, oh how well he knows, but he can’t help it. 

He needs a way to compensate his thoughts, and it’s a plus that like this, he doesn’t cost Liam much. He knows very well that he’s lost a few pounds, having gained like two in the first three days with Liam making constantly sure that he “got something on his ribs”. He knows, but he still can’t help it. 

It’s carved in deep in his heart and brain, a pattern he’s escaped into for too long. Now, he can no longer escape from it. He needs it. There’s barely anything left to him, close to nothing of the boy he used to be, nothing of the cheerful child. 

When he’s busy, he feels closest to sane and normal, and when he’s with Liam, he almost feels complete. That is not supposed to be! He mustn’t get this dependant, he mustn’t! 

“Niall!” He hears Liam’s call and plasters a smile on his face. A few seconds later, the older one enters the kitchen, his cheeks rosy from the chilly air outside. Niall bites his inner cheek. “Hi,” he says and turns around again. “How was your day?” “Was alright, not too much today, gave me plenty of time to study. Wow, this smells delicious!” 

Liam shows up behind him and dips his finger into the chicken sauce. “Mhm,” he sighs. “Thought you’d like something spicy,” Niall mutters shyly. Liam laughs lightly, but he sounds quite tired. “What would I do without you,” he muses and Niall wants to believe he sounds fond, but he also knows that he doesn’t. 

He should stop imagining things. He doesn’t react directly to the rhetorical question. “You can sit down already,” he just offers. “I’m not that hungry, I’ve eaten so much while cooking and during the day, but I’ll have a bite with you.” He tries to make his voice sound light and carefree, and Liam swallows the lie. 

He smiles, sits down and Niall loads his plate with food and puts some veggies and a small piece of chicken on his own. It’s way too late in the evening for rice. Then, he pours them both some water and sits down. They eat rather quietly for a while, Liam occasionally praising Niall’s cooking skills. Niall smiles. 

The compliments are sweet, but his thoughts twist and turn them until nothing is left but a bitter aftertaste of negativity. “What did you do today?” Liam asks at some point when three quarters of his plate are empty and Niall has only a few bites left. He shrugs. “Cleaning, cooking, eating… I suppose you’ve got way more interesting stories.” 

Liam is still smiling that smile that has Niall’s heart speeding up and that fills his body up with a prickling warmth, like those bubble baths he used to take as a small child. He remembers the joy it always brought. He’s just like a bubble bath, Liam is. But way more forbidden. 

Liam, anyways, mirrors Niall’s shrug but with muscular, defined arms. “Not really, to be honest. I can’t even report any Harry and Louis PDA, with them having the nightshift today. They’ve offered it tomorrow as well, by the way, and I thought we could, like, do something? Not necessarily go out, but watch a movie?” 

He has his right and in his hair to scratch his neck hesitantly and he makes those puppy eyes. Niall’s heart skips a beat and drops, but nevertheless, he forces a smile onto his face and nods as enthusiastically as possible. “That would be nice,” he says and carefully puts his fork and his knife down. Liam’s also finished. “That’s settled then!” He concludes happily and his eyes crinkle in that adorable way when his smile gets wider. Then, he yawns. 

“I’m proper knackered,” he laughs. “Might head off to bed soon. Don’t worry about the kitchen, you cooked and always do everything in the flat, the dishes in the evening are my duty.” How is Liam always so cheerful? Still, it’s obvious that he wants to spend as less time as possible with Niall. The blonde at least puts his empty plate into the sink. 

“I’ll get ready to sleep,” he announces. Liam waves good bye in a childish, exaggerated manner while carrying the dirty kitchen utensils around and humming happily. Everything seems normal, carefree, sweet and friendly. 

But inside Niall, the demons have succeeded to overpower Liam’s positivity again. They are back, that ghosts that haunted him for years and faded a little when he met his new sun. They are back, now that he’s realized that he can look at the sun, but will never have a chance to really call it his. He’s realized how wrong it is to become attached to Liam, how annoying he must be and how much of a bother. As always. He doesn’t deserve the good life he’s gotten a glimpse of now. The peak of hope and happiness was bound to throw him further down than ever from the very beginning. 

He sighs quietly while putting on a different one of Liam’s shirts, the one he uses to sleep, and stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror with hatred while brushing his teeth with Liam’s spare toothbrush and Liam’s toothpaste. Everything belongs to Liam, but Niall takes it, and the worst is how much he wants it. 

He lies on Liam’s comfortable couch later that evening, staring at the ceiling. He feels torn, and hates himself for it. One part of him, the pathetic part, wants to stay and just enjoy what he’s been blessed with. The other part, the way smaller but also way stronger one, the one that controls his thoughts, wants him to leave, wants him to stop being a bother. That is where the demons are. 

Niall finally sleeps in around three in the morning. He’s given up, his mind tired and worn out. When he wakes up, Liam is already gone. Just like every day, he left a bit of money and a sweet note behind on the kitchen table. Niall forces himself not to read it. It might make him weak, might make him stay. 

He puts all the money from before that he’s never used and always only hidden on the table next to today’s pounds. Then, he carefully strips out of Liam’s clothes, puts on his own that have been waiting for him under the couch, and tidies up the living room until it looks like he’s never invaded Liam’s life. 

He takes a deep breath and looks out of the window. It is still freaking cold outside, of course, but at least it is not raining. The sky is a dull, cloudy grey. Without allowing himself any second thoughts (or rather thousandth), he walks out of the front door of Liam’s flat with heavy footsteps, out of the building’s main entrance and into the streets. 

The doors have long slammed shut behind him when he turns to look up one last time. There’s no way back. He has no money and no clothes to change, but he doesn’t give a damn for the moment because all he can feel is the pain of having lost Liam. 

Blinded by tears he runs through the streets without a destination until he gets tired and the real, deep sadness reaches him. The depression allows the cold to creep onto him, grabs hold of his body and his brain and makes him slow down and see and feel for the first time today. 

He doesn’t like that, it only makes him realize once again the cruelty of the world and feel nothing but dull numbness and sharp pain. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but it must’ve been hours and hours since he left. The sun is setting, or at least he supposes it is, because the cold and the darkness increase with every second. 

After he’s almost gone unconscious from shivering so hard on a park bench in the cold, because he’s hungry and he’s freezing and he’s so, so tired, he decides that he has to move, somewhere, anywhere. He’s come two streets further, stumbling along the lonely sidewalks, when his legs don’t hold him properly anymore and he is shaken by a coughing fit that has him doubling over. 

He knows he needs to find shelter if he wants to survive. He doesn’t really know whether he wants to survive though, or if he’d rather die. He stumbles on, but he’s slowing down even more with every second because he just can’t get himself to go on, doesn’t find the strength anymore. His will is broken and his desire to survive has left him long ago already. 

He knows he’ll die, right here, right now. His vision is beyond blurry and he doesn’t even see the pavement coming closer, doesn’t feel himself falling down because everything is spinning anyways. He doesn’t feel the crash of his body on the ground because everything around him has gone black. 

He doesn’t hear the loud, shocked cries of two boys who see him falling from inside the warm and lit café that he’s directly in front of. He doesn’t feel them dragging him inside, doesn’t feel the warmth and doesn’t smell the sweet scent. His body is millimetres from completely giving up, from actual death, doesn’t react to the careful touches of his icy skin and the grasping at his thin, fragile limbs. 

In between life and death, there’s nothing – neither light nor his constant, aching pain. There’s just the peace of nothingness. 

The two boys that have dragged him inside don’t feel that peace. They’re frantically trying to get him back to consciousness, to wake him up. When his eyes finally flutter and open, it’s only the warmth and the soft, comfy velvet chair he’s sitting in that keep him awake for a few seconds while he doesn’t have the energy to. He faintly notices how someone with a head full of curls puts a mug with warm, chocolatey liquid up to his mouth, and slowly, Niall’s senses reappear and he realizes what’s happened. 

He’s been saved by way-too-nice-for-their-own-good people that will feel obliged to help him even though they don’t really want to, they can’t. Again. 

These two aren’t calm like Liam, they talk frantically and wave their arms around like maniacs. “Oh fuck, what are we gonna do? Fuck, fuck, fuck!” “Ambulance? Nah, he’s woken up.” “Police? We should talk to him first!” “What if he doesn’t speak English?” “We’re in London!” “Could be a refugee or something…” “Well we won’t know if we don’t try!” “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do in a situation like this!” “Damn!” “And what if he’s hurt?” “Fuck!” 

Niall’s still dizzy. He can barely distinguish the single words, let alone react, and he can’t even properly see the boys’ faces while they’re moving around this hectically. Luckily, they are calming down. The boy without curls (he has piercing blue eyes that watch him intently with his brows furrowed) talks directly to him for the first time while the other one waits silently, with worry in his eyes. 

“Welcome back,” he says. Everyone talks to Niall as if they were talking to a small child, even though these two can’t be much older than him, either. Well, they’re probably right, because Niall has about as much control about his life and himself as a five-year-old child. 

“Do you understand me?” Niall nods. His head hurts from crying and collapsing. He’s tired. The boy smiles. “Are you hurt?” That was thrown in by the other one. Niall shakes his head, even though it is pounding. 

Well, he has a broken heart and a throbbing head, but there’s no need to call an ambulance, and he knows he can’t explain himself. 

“What’s your name?” No, no, no. Niall feels cornered and his heartbeat speeds up. He doesn’t want them to know his name. “I think he’s really shy. My name is Harry, and this is Louis, my boyfriend,” the curly one says. 

Niall doesn’t say anything, just stares, but somewhere in his head, an alarm goes off. He can’t quite remember why yet, what it is that makes him panic, not while he’s struggling to keep his eyes open. “If only Liam was still here,” Louis sighs. “I bet he’d know what to do!” 

Liam? Oh no. Niall’s chest aches at the mention of the name, but that is not the most important thing. He knows why there is a warning in his head, instinctively wanting him to flee, pushing his adrenaline. 

He’s managed to end up in Liam’s café. What a fucking failure he is. He needs to get out. At once. “I’ll call him,” Harry decides and Niall knows that he needs to be quick. Harry walks back to the counter and Louis follows with the empty mug of hot chocolate that Niall shouldn’t have drunk but needed so, so badly. The smell of the place is really overwhelming and now Niall knows why is very first instinct was to feel comfortable and safe and why he could keep his anxiety level low even with to strangers talking to him. 

It smells like Liam. Carefully, Niall gets up from the chair. He ignores his spinning head and his tired legs. He moves as quietly as possible, avoids getting noticed. He wants to vanish, and he will if he’s just quite enough. A phone rings and Niall almost jumps. “That’s Liam!” Harry announces happily. “Listen, man, I was just about to- what?” 

And Niall knows that Liam’s reached the flat, no, his flat and not at all Niall’s because Niall doesn’t deserve a flat, and he’s seen the money and the clothes and the missing sheets on the couch and he’s noticed that Niall’s left. 

Harry and Louis aren’t dumb, and they will connect him to the Niall they’ve surely heard of in a matter of seconds. Almost passing out from the effort, Niall know longer cares about being subtle and jumps forward to open the door, but his weak, stiff fingers won’t let him do it fast enough and he turns back in exactly the right moment to see the realization hit Harry, to see his expression change. 

Everything happens so fast that it is only a blur. The door opens and freezing air hits Niall’s body. Louis has obviously realized something is going on or maybe Harry’s told him, because he drops the mug and jumps towards Niall while the mug hits the floor and shatters into a million tiny pieces. It’s dramatic. 

Louis is athletic. He’s reached Niall, who could barely take one step outside, within two big jumps. The blonde doesn’t stand a chance running away. He looks at the floor with tears in his eyes, ashamed and exhausted. It’s pathetic to feel relieved, he knows, but he does. 

“You better stay,” Louis says lightly, leads Niall back to the chair and locks the front door. “I think we should talk.” Niall stays silent, but he’s given up. Harry’s been watching his boyfriend in awe, but now, he picks up the phone again. 

“Liam, you still there? Yes, I know you’re worried and I’m sorry I didn’t listen and yes, Louis just broke something but you need to calm down. Your boy is here. Wanted to leave when he realized who we are, but we-“ He breaks off, listening. Niall would be red like a tomato if he wasn’t still so cold. “Of course you’ll come as fast as you can!” 

And that’s it. Liam’s going to come and Niall doesn’t even know why. Why would he want to bother with Niall again? Why does it still seem like he cares? Niall just doesn’t get it. People don’t care about him! Nobody does! 

The three of them sit in silence, Harry and Louis only occasionally muttering something to each other. Niall is defeated and he knows it. The demons inside him are roaring furiously, and they’ve taken over, they are him, but they can’t do anything besides making him feel awful. He gets lost in his train of thoughts, each one dragging him further and further down, until a key is turning in the lock and someone opens the front door. 

Liam’s arrived. He rushes inside, flushed and hectic but beautiful. Niall doesn’t bother to move, he’s never during one of his innumerable lows felt this far away from life, he just stares like Liam who is like a beautiful hurricane, filled with life and power. 

“Oh my god, Niall,” Liam exclaims breathlessly, and Niall still doesn’t understand what the fuss is all about. Doesn’t Liam see that Niall is only a broken mess with missing pieces? A puzzle that can no longer be solved? 

Apparently Liam doesn’t see it. He comes towards Niall and, no longer being careful because he’s totally worked up, wraps his arms around the small blonde boy while Niall just sits and doesn’t react. Still, Liam’s warmth gets to him. There’s a little part of him waking up again, a part that’s still alive. 

The demons are screaming, but while Liam is with him, they are somehow locked away. It’s magic – but Niall doesn’t deserve this magic! He can feel his heart beating in a steady rhythm, or is it Liam’s? “I’m so glad,” Liam murmurs right next to his ear and Niall can feel the warm breath grazing his neck. How does Liam even make him feel alive again within seconds? And why does he even bother to? 

“But why?” Niall’s voice is barely a whisper, almost inaudible. Liam lets him go, stands up straight. Instantly, Niall feels cold again and the demons try to break through the thin walls that Niall could build up from Liam’s strength and warmth. 

“Harry? Louis? We’re closing early today, can you please go clean the back already?” The hint is obvious to all of them. A minute later, Louis and Harry are gone and have closed the door to the back behind themselves carefully. Niall and Liam are alone. 

“Why do you make me feel like you care?” Niall is practically sobbing by now. “You can’t just do that and then leave,” he whispers. “Oh Niall,” Liam sighs. He sits down and pulls Niall on his lap without a warning. 

“I could never leave, because I really, really, really care!” Without wanting to do so, Niall snuggles up close to Liam’s chest, but he keeps his head down. “I just can’t believe you…” 

“I know, but I want you to, and I will do anything to make you believe. I don’t want to say I know what’s inside you, how you feel, because I don’t, but I’ve got an idea and I know that you think that you don’t deserve happiness. I know that you think you don’t deserve pleasure, like food. I know that you feel like you aren’t worthy, and, most importantly, that you can’t be fixed. But I also know that there’s a way to get out. It might take years, but there’s a way, and however long it takes and however often you break down again, you will get through this and I’ll be with you. It’s early to say this, and I know you won’t be able to process and believe it, let alone answer, but… Niall, in the beginning I felt immediately drawn to you. I thought you’d be like a little brother to me, but I was wrong. Niall, in only two weeks I have come to love you and I would do anything to see your beautiful smile. Please, will you let me help you? You deserve the world, Niall. I will help you see how amazing you are.” 

Niall is lost for words. He stares at Liam, whose smile is absolutely genuine and honest and who strokes Niall’s hair gently and who has so, so much love and hope in his eyes. It reaches Niall, and suddenly, there’s a faint glimpse of hope inside Niall himself that Liam might be right and that this will work and he knows that whatever happens, it will be okay as long as Liam is there to be his rock and his light. 

Niall nods. He knows it’s a poor reaction to a speech like Liam’s, but he can see in Liam’s eyes, how cheesy it might sound, that it is enough for now and that Liam is actually sure that he will get better. 

“Thank you,” Liam breathes, and then he slightly presses his lips to Niall’s forehead and it’s the best feeling Niall has ever had. “We can sort out everything else together,” Liam promises. “But not today. We’ll go home and cuddle and try that movie thing again, what do you think?” “Yes,” Niall breathes, “thank you.” 

These simple words absolutely fail to express everything Niall feels, how overwhelmed he is and how thankful and how safe Liam makes him feel. But Liam sees all that, senses it hanging in the air unspoken, and so there’s no need for words. 

Niall is not quite happy yet, and the demons aren’t even close to gone and the lifeless feeling still hovers above him threateningly. Reality is no fairy tale, and mental disorders like Niall’s don’t just go away because of the prince. His thought patterns that are burned in from such a long time of practise will take ages to finally leave. 

He’s still deep inside a dark, stormy tunnel, and he’ll never be like before again, always scarred, but at the end of the tunnel, there’s now a light even though it might flicker sometimes and vary in its brightness from day to day, and there’s now Liam walking towards that light with him, holding his hand, willing to wait and willing to follow, protecting him against the storm. The tunnel is still there and still as dark, but now, there’s a way.

There’s real, valid hope – for the first time in forever.


	3. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii:)  
> Thank you everyone for reading this, it really means a lot to me and I love you!  
> Feel free to point out any mistakes, as always!  
> (I have never been in court and the research wasn't that easy, sorry.)  
> Enjoy!

Niall’s been sweeping the same spot behind the counter for ages now. Nobody enters the café and makes him interact with them, it’s unusually quiet even for ten in the morning, and so he’s left alone with his thoughts. Not even Liam is there to distract him. He’s in the back, making phone calls, studying, doing the business work. 

They’ve decided that it’s best if they work separately and at least try to get something done. During the three weeks that Niall’s been working at the café now, they’ve already had four complaints from customers whose orders got mixed up or who had to wait too long, all because they can’t keep their eyes off each other. 

So, yeah, it’s better if they are separated by a wall while they’re at work. That agreement doesn’t keep Niall from wishing they didn’t have it at this very moment, because he doesn’t have any work to do. The customers could now not only eat off the tables, but also eat off the floor. 

But as much as he tries to keep himself busy and distracted, his thoughts keep drifting back to the paper that’s waiting his backpack, along with a small card and an appointment note. It’s a letter, and he’s had it ever since the fire that changed his life. 

It’s the only proof he has that will finally get his bullies and his family’s murderers sued. He knows the words by heart. 

“You coward,” he murmurs and aggressively pushes the cleaning mob forward. “You fled like the pathetic little faggot you are. Your family took your punishment instead. We will get rid of disgusting people like you!” 

He drags the cleaning mob back just as aggressively. Then, he sighs. He knows that those words are not true, knows it now, and Liam doesn’t fail to tell him every day, even after six weeks. Niall won’t be the one to tell him to stop, that’s for sure. 

The demons are not as far away as he’d wish, but they’re further away than he would have ever dared to guess. And something new is amazes him every single day, or something old that he gets the chance to rediscover with Liam. It’s getting better every day, but he knows that there is something missing for him to be completely at peace, and Liam agrees. 

He is out of the hospital, of course, they got him legally out of there the morning after Niall ran away from Liam and found himself at the café as if it fate. Liam is sure that it is fate, Niall is still sceptic. He is working at the café and therefore doesn’t feel useless anymore. He is seeing a psychologist twice a week, even though he feels like Liam is the best therapist he could get, and she gives him prescriptions for his medication. He doesn’t take much of it anymore, but he does take it and Liam makes sure to watch that carefully. Sometimes that feels like a negative point of having a boyfriend who is studying psychology. 

Liam. 

Niall could think about Liam forever, but the thought of Liam gets him back to thinking about the bureau in the back and that is where his backpack is and that is where the letter is that still makes the familiar feeling of panic arise in his chest whenever he thinks of it and of the people that wrote it. 

Niall takes two deep breaths and pushes the mob aside. Cleaning doesn’t make any sense. He’s just about to break their agreement and ask Liam for help when the front door opens and a group of chatting girls enters. Every single one of them of course has to order something special with extra shots of that or soy milk or no sugar, please, I’m watching my diet right now. Yeah, sure. 

Niall mechanically serves them and his circling thoughts stop for a moment. When they’ve left again, Niall glances at the big clock that’s hanging behind him. It’s already almost eleven. Liam should stop working soon, and they’re expecting someone else. 

At five to eleven sharp, the door opens again. Niall puts a professional cheery smile on his face, but he lets it drop when he realizes that the man isn’t a customer. 

“Mr. Higgins,” he greets the man in a suit and smiles a little less cheerily. “I’m glad you made it.” 

“Of course, Mr. Horan. I see you’re still working?” 

“Yes, but of course we’ll close the place now. Liam, uh, Mr. Payne, is in the back. You can already…” Nervously, he laughs and gestures towards the door behind the counter. “I’ll just finish.” 

“Thank you, Mr. Horan,” Mr. Higgins says. He’s a professional, of course. And he’s used to nervous clients, Niall belonging to the nicer ones. “I’m glad you’ve decided to get the help of a lawyer in your case.” 

Then, he goes through the door and leaves Niall alone. The blonde boy has a bit of a difficult time breathing, but eventually, he manages and locks the front door, putting up the prepared “closed because of personal urgency”-sign. Then, he turns off the lights and leaves for Liam’s bureau himself. 

His boyfriend and his lawyer, god this is weird, are already sitting at the desk, waiting for him. Liam flashes Niall a comforting smile. “So, let’s get to the point,” Mr. Higgins says. “Today is your appointment at court, Mr. Horan. Do you have all the evidence prepared?” 

Niall nods. His throat is too tight to speak and he’s so nervous. He starts doubting that he’s really ready for this. How is he supposed to speak at the court to lots of strangers and in front of his bullies as the victim, the plaintiff and the only witness, when he can’t even talk to his lawyer? But then Liam’s hand is on his knee with a gentle touch and he feels warmth spreading through his body. 

“Yes, I do,” he answers rather late. “I’ve got the letter and my old yearbook with proof that I was… bullied. And the names.” “Very good,” Mr. Higgins encourages. He’s a nice man, and even though it’s only partly he’s job, of course he has noticed how emotionally damaged Niall is. 

“And I know everything I’m going to say,” Niall adds. He won’t be the only one talking, at least. Liam has offered to make a testimony about Niall’s well-being and the impact that the bullying has had on his life. His psychologist will also say something so they’ve got a professional opinion and not just the cliché boyfriend support. 

“I was told that the suspects have already arrived at court. It is time to go for us, I believe. You shouldn’t worry, Mr. Horan, Mr. Payne. You’ve made the right decision and it will work out.” Mr. Higgins smiles and for a moment, Niall sees empathy in his eyes before he stands up and takes his back. 

“Thank you,” Niall says. “Yes, thank you very much,” Liam agrees. “You’ve made this a lot easier.” Niall nods, but inside, he’s still panicking and he knows that Liam knows. The lawyer leaves the room first. 

“Hey,” Liam softly mutters to Niall. “You’ve got this. This is your day. Show them what you can do.” Niall tries to smile, but it is half-hearted and there’s worry more than anything in his eyes. “But…” “I believe in you,” Liam interrupts his protest and Niall is glad about that. 

“Thank you,” he sighs. Liam smiles that warm smile that’s reserved for Niall only and presses his lips to Niall’s forehead before he grabs the younger one’s hand and pulls him out of the room. Mr. Higgins is waiting for them, leaning against the counter. 

“A nice café you have here,” he comments, looking around. Liam answers something and they continue with their light small talk while the three of them leave the café and get into Liam’s car that’s parked right on the opposite side of the street. 

Niall tunes them out, too scared and nervous to focus on anything. He clutches his backpack in his lap when he sits in the back seat, staring at the back of Liam’s head intently, but not really seeing anything. The drive is over a lot too quickly. Niall stumbles out of the door that Liam holds open for him and he knows how bad this is. 

He needs to seem confident to convince the judges that he’s telling the truth, even when he knows he is. He still doesn’t have a proper alibi, but he can’t allow himself to get even more nervous now. 

But here he is, stumbling and not breathing properly because of his stupid anxiety. To think about that doesn’t help at all. His throat tightens more and more, but before it really gets too much, Liam is there, holding him close. 

“Hey, hey, Niall, hey, I know how hard this is for you. Mr. Higgins, could we get a moment, please?” Niall doesn’t look up and his vision is blurred by the tears in his eyes anyway, but Mr. Higgins must have left them alone outside the grey, intimidating building because Liam is pulling him even closer now and softly caressing his cheeks. 

“Niall, you’ve got this, believe me, please. I love you. I’ve got something for you.” Niall finally looks up only to see Liam smiling and with one hand behind his back. “Close your eyes for a moment.” Niall does as he’s told and feels Liam pulling his right arm, putting something around his wrist. “Okay, you can open your eyes now.”  
It’s a bracelet, Niall realizes. It’s made of black leather and there are tiny charms attached to it. He lifts his arm to examine them, a smile spreading on his face when he sees a little drop of rain, an L and an N, a heart, and an infinity sign. 

“Thank you,” he breathes. “This is amazing, Liam.” 

“We can add more,” Liam says, blushing and scratching the back of his head. “This is our story, and I hope that it isn’t over yet.” Niall throws his arms around the older boy and buries his face in Liam’s neck. 

“Thank you.” 

“I love you,” Liam replies. “Let’s go in there, now.” Niall nods. The anxiety is back, but it’s already much better than before. 

“What if they believe them and not me?” The question has been bugging him already since they decided to finally sue his bullies. 

“They won’t,” Liam promises and holds the door open for Niall. The blonde takes a final, deep breath and then steps up to Mr. Higgins.

“I’m ready now,” he announces, playing with the heart on his bracelet. The lawyer’s eyes flicker to it and he smiles. 

“Let’s go, then, Mr. Horan.” He leads Niall into the court room. Liam follows. Niall looks around hastily, but the bullies are not yet in this room. 

There’s only a judge and someone else next to him. Niall doesn’t understand much of the principles of law, but he’s lead to a seat and then watches how another important-looking man enters the room. He sits on the other site of the judges, next to three empty chairs, and Niall guesses he is the counsel of defence for the accused. 

Niall’s lawyer sits on his left, Liam sits at a separate place to his right. A minute later, Niall’s psychologist sits down next to Liam and smiles at both of them. Everything feels so official that Niall wants to tune it out and just not think so much that the room actually starts to blur and he hears a noise in his hears that blocks all the other sounds in the room, but he forces himself to focus. 

He’s worked toward this for too long to just give it up now. He plays with the bracelet, thinking of Liam, and manages to control his anxiety. Finally, his bullies arrive, and Niall wants to make himself as small as possible and disappear, but he feels Liam’s worried, loving look on him and the judge is looking at him, probably waiting for his reaction to the confrontation, and so Niall forces himself to breathe and sits up a little straighter. 

The bullies look angry, staring at him with hatred in their eyes. He can’t really blame them. He’s about to destroy their lives, but then again, they’ve destroyed his already and in a much worse way. He’s got every right to do this to them, to sue them and make sure that they get their punishment, they deserve it. 

There’s still that hint of their voices in his head, telling him how worthless he is and making him believe them. Niall squares his shoulders. He’s going to do this now. Everyone is in the room and at their place, and Niall is getting uncomfortable because it’s so silent and he can feel the angry stares on him, but then the chief judge stands up and clears his throat. 

It’s an old man with white hair, but he doesn’t seem weak because of it. He certainly has brought many criminals into prison. 

“I, chief judge Cowell, welcome you to our tribunal in case of Stan Lucas, Nick Grimshaw and Shahid Khan. The plaintiff is Niall Horan with Mr. Paul Higgins as his lawyer, the defence counsel of the accused is John Deakin. Is that information right?” 

He looks around the room with stern eyes, continuing with his speech when nobody speaks up to correct him. Niall makes sure not to open his mouth, he thinks he’d vomit if he did. What if this really doesn’t work out? What if he gets sent to prison and never gets to see Liam again? 

He doesn’t want that, doesn’t think that after all they’ve been through, Liam’s helped him through, he could now live without the older boy ever again. 

“I hereby remind all of the witnesses that their testimony has to be completely true and that every lie or withholding of information is a serious crime. I now ask Niall Horan into the witness stand.” 

Niall stands up with shaky legs. He is pale, but at least he doesn’t feel too much like throwing up anymore. He just holds on to his bracelet and concentrates on how his life will be after this is done, when he can finally stop thinking about those three that have made his life a living hell since before middle school, when he was only just a kid and they were too. He just needs to get through his prepared speech. 

“My name is Niall Horan,” he starts, and suddenly everything gets a lot easier. “I was bullied by Stan Lucas, Nick Grimshaw and Shahid Khan all throughout Middle School and High School. I have brought my yearbook with their comments and threats in it with me today. I have never pressed charges against them because I was scared to do so and I have post-traumatic stress disorder, a mental disorder that made me believe everything that happened was my fault. I now know that it wasn’t.” 

His voice doesn’t sound like his to him, and the words don’t seem to make any sense, but he just needs to go on. 

“Three years ago, on the twenty-fifth of July, they wanted to attack me at my house, but I knew that they were planning something and hid about two miles from my house in a tree. I came back in the morning and found the house burned down. My parents and my older brother died in the fire. Everything Stan, Nick and Shahid left for me was this piece of paper.” 

He’s finished talking. He feels like he said too much and like there’s so much left unsaid at the same time. With shaking and sweaty hands, he pulls the letter out of his pocket. He reads it aloud, not listening to his own words because he can’t stand to hear them, then he bows his head in front of the judge and stumbles back to his seat. 

Everything is a blur. He doesn’t hear what his psychologist, who gets called up next, says about him, he only sees the bullies through tunnel vision. They are getting visibly paler, and Niall gets more optimistic again. Liam gets called up next, and Niall tries really hard to listen to him because he’s never actually heard what Liam is going to say. He seems calm and focused. 

“My name is Liam Payne. Eight weeks ago, I met Niall on a sidewalk near my flat and he has been living with me since. At the beginning, he showed severe signs of depression and anorexia. He didn’t open up to anyone, but with help from his psychologist and the safe environment, he has gotten a lot better during the past weeks. I saw him at his worst and I know what Stan Lucas, Nick Grimshaw and Shahid Khan did to him.” 

Niall tunes out at this point. Liam says only a few more sentences until he walks back to his seat. Niall is deep in his thoughts. He really has come far, and it is all because of Liam. Without Liam, he would still be lost somewhere in England or back in the mental hospital where no one really cared about him. 

Liam has turned his life around and given perspective to him again. Niall softly caresses the heart on his bracelet with his thumb. It gives him strength while the three accused make their testimonies, and from what they say, Niall can tell he’s won. Their counsel of defence doesn’t even try to free them of the charges anymore, he only pleads for a mild sentence because they were young and under the influence of alcohol. 

Mr. Higgins counters, saying they were drinking underage which is technically also a crime and have bullied Niall for years. In the end, they get sentenced to ten years of prison each for involuntary manslaughter, underage drinking, bullying, bodily injury and attempted murder. Niall knows that he should feel satisfaction, but now that everything is done and the three are led away, he just feels tired, worn out and empty. 

“Liam?” His voice is tiny. They are standing outside, only the two of them. Mr. Higgins and the psychologist have said their good-byes already. “Can we just go home?” 

“Sure,” Liam answers. His tone is soft and comforting. “Come on, let’s do the well-tried trick again.” Niall’s eyes light up. 

“Pizza and a movie?” Liam laughs and ruffles his hair. 

“Exactly.” 

They drive home. Niall smiles when Liam locks up the front door and he smiles when he kicks his shoes off and he’s still smiling when he flops down on the couch. 

“I’d like the four-cheese-one!” Liam smiles, too, and he looks so fond of Niall that the blonde automatically blushes. 

“I love you.” Niall smiles back at him, and at this moment, eight weeks after they’ve met, he knows for sure Liam will never leave his life again, and he’s so grateful. 

Liam is an angel, and he was waiting behind the corner when Niall was just about to give up. He’s never lost faith in him like everyone else, he’s been there for Niall from the very start when he didn’t even have a logical reason to and Niall knows he’s been blessed with Liam. 

The boy is his own personal miracle, and Niall wouldn’t trade him for the entire world. 

“I love you, too,” he says quietly. It’s the first time he’s said those words and he watches Liam’s eyes light up like an entire galaxy and Niall feels home and safe and hopeful and the next second Liam is crushing him with a hug and peppering kisses all over his face until their lips finally meet and it feels like a firework inside Niall’s heart and he’s just happy. 

Liam leans back after a while, separating their lips, and whispers: “I love you so much, Niall James Horan, you can’t even imagine.” And when Niall whispers back: “I think I can,” and Liam grins even wider and they kiss again, Niall knows that what he feels is love. 

Love – for the first time in forever.


End file.
